The "Secret Service" is Home for the Holidays: A Note from Your Adult Child (and Founder)

By Emma Irvine, Founder of Pare

I am 29 years old. Most of the year, I’m the founder of Pare, working to build the safest dating experience on the market. But the moment I walk through the door for the holidays, I revert to my other full-time job: My parent’s protector.

If you are a parent over 40 dating right now, you might feel a specific kind of tension this month. It’s not just about buying gifts or cooking the turkey. It’s the anxiety of potentially introducing a new partner to your adult children.

As an adult child of divorced parents, let me let you in on a secret: We are the toughest vetting committee you will ever face.

I built Pare because I saw the gap in safety for your generation. I wanted my parents to be able to find love without the risk of scams or danger. But while Pare handles the digital vetting—checking IDs and verifying backgrounds—the holidays are where the emotional vetting happens.

Why We Are So Protective

When you introduce someone new during the holidays, you might see your adult children get skeptical, quiet, or even defensive.

Please know this: It usually isn’t because we don’t want you to be happy. It’s because we remember.

We remember the divorce. We remember the years you spent building our traditions. And now that we are adults, we feel a fierce duty to protect your heart (and your assets/legacy) from anyone who hasn't earned their spot at the table.

The holidays act as a magnifying glass. When everyone is under one roof, we aren't just making polite conversation with your date; we are watching them like hawks.

The Holiday Vetting Checklist (From an Adult Child’s Perspective)

If you are thinking of bringing someone around this December, here is what your adult kids are actually looking for. Think of this as the "Pare Standard" for real life:

1. Do they respect the "Core 4"? When a new partner walks into a family holiday, do they try to dominate the conversation? Or do they sit back and respect the dynamic between you and your kids? A safe partner understands that the bond between a parent and an adult child is sacred and doesn't try to compete with it.

2. How do they handle the chaos? The holidays are stressful. As a founder, I look for data; as a daughter, I look for temperament. If your date gets snappy because dinner is late or the house is loud, that’s a red flag. We want you with someone who brings peace, not added drama.

3. Are they interested in us? This sounds selfish, but it’s a major safety indicator. Does your partner ask your adult children questions about their lives? Or do they treat us like obstacles? A genuine partner wants to know the people you raised.

My Advice to You

As the founder of Pare, my goal is to let you date with confidence so you don't have to worry about the "scary stuff"—the catfish, the scammers, the bad actors. That’s my job.

Your job is to listen to your gut (and your kids).

If you bring someone home and your adult children give you the "look"—pay attention. We have a sixth sense for people who are taking advantage of our parents.

But flip side: If your new partner can sit through our loud family arguments, laugh at our inside jokes, and make you smile while doing it? That is the ultimate green flag.

The holidays are the final exam of dating. If they pass, they’re a keeper.

From all of us at Pare (and from an adult child who just wants you to be happy and safe),

Happy Holidays.